I know a lot of friends will be disappointed to hear this, but I’ve joined the Tea Baggers. I just got tired of thinking so much! Know what I mean?
Plus I figure I can start raking in the kind of dough that apologists for corporate America make. But first things first. We’re going to need a whole new history. There are so many naysayers out there saying bad things about America like that we kidnapped people and brought them here in slave ships and stuff like that. That’s got to stop.
The Civil War was fought when the God-fearing people of the South rose up against all the tax and spend liberals in the North who were taking all their money and wasting it on do-gooder social programs. It ended when the Northerners learned their lesson. That’s why Lincoln was so great.
And remember when the industrialists of America got together, I think it was 1910, and they said, “We have simply got to stop having children work in our mines and mills. And we have to do something for workers who are injured on the job. We can’t just keep throwing them on the pile out back. It’s getting too big and smelly.”
I’m starting to remember this now. It was a big meeting of all the great tycoons of America who controlled all the companies that employed all the people. They had great wealth and power and they went to church every Sunday where the preachers taught them how they could serve the Lord and make life better for ordinary families.
“Parents should have time off to take care of sick kids,” they all said, “and we have to do everything we can to keep our workers safe. And no ripping them off at company stores; that’s just not fair. And no calling out the National Guard to shoot them, either.”
It’s all coming to me now. It was the Great American Industrialists’ Conference of 1910. It was one of the great steps forward in social progress, and it’s why we enjoy the lifestyle we enjoy today.
Watch this space for more installments of The Tea-Bagger’s History of the USA: A Patriotic Coloring Book. Next time: How the great industrialists got rid of all pollution.